Housecleaning Ain’t for the Weak

I am NOT a robot! However, I can DO the robot!

So with the coming of nicer and newer household amenities, I found myself cleaning everything. You gain some inner peace when your abode has been blessed with concoctions of solutions you afforded from the dollar store. Hovering over all the new nice things and the people who live there have to hear you bark, “NEW STUFF, NEW RULES!” Everything was sprayed, waxed, disinfected, shine, degreased, whitened, freshened, washed, scrubbed, dried, vacuumed, swept, mopped, wiped, and swept, and washed, and swept, over and over.

Every single popcorn kernel, every time one was spotted, was swept, and then another would appear. I thought maybe it could be a dirty trick someone was playing on me. I became paranoid! I became this old nagging witch-monster, constantly yakking and interrogating my household:

Who was on the couch? No sitting on or near the couch!
Who had this cup? Don’t even think about using another cup later!
Who left this cupcake out? People are starving somewhere you know!
Why are these shoes in the middle of the floor? This is not your bedroom!
Who left this half eaten yogurt in the window seal? Oh that’s mine!
Who used the good container for these vodka-bath-of-gummy-bears?
Maybe I will just try one.
Who drank all the juice and didn’t throw the box away? You all are heathens.
Who let the trash fall out of the garbage bag? Nasty people, that’s who.
Where is the vacuum? Oh it’s actually where it belongs?
Who’s dish is this? I am not washing another dish ever again!
Who left the food out? I must look like your personal maid.
Didn’t I just clean this bathtub? That’s it! I have had it!
Get that off the floor!
Pick that up!
Wipe that off!
That’s just disgusting!…

By the end of the night, and the end of a hard drink, I realized that it is so much easier saying “EFF this S!” Though I found that the apartment was squeaky clean and silence whispered across the hard wood flooring, a feeling of accomplishment came over me. Somehow I had the balls to do it all. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining my son right into his bedtime!

I won the day! Did I look like I won? Probably not with frizzy hair, a salty upper lip from the sweat beading from my face for the past 8 hours. I won though. After a shower and nursing a sore ankle, I won!

I salute you cleaning machines. I raise my hats and my glass to you, who fight the battle against crud, dust, dirt, clutter, funk, and disorganization!

Keep winning! Keep cleaning!
‘Cuz you never know when someone will just pop over unexpectedly and when they do don’t greet them with a “hello,” greet them with these words:

I am a winner!